...by the numbers

Five days after my last blog post, my beloved husband died.  He was my partner in every sense of the word – life, love, family, work, adventure, happiness, and sorrow.  The common refrain during the days and weeks afterward, as the news was shared and shared again:  “What?!” 

 

Today was the 5 month anniversary of his totally unexpected departure from a very full life.  Most days, I still feel that all of this is just some horrible mistake – it seems much more like a mere 5 weeks than it could possibly be 5 months *What?!*

This past Sunday was the 17^th Sunday since his death as well as what would have been our 18^th wedding anniversary.  It would also have marked over 20 years of togetherness…  *What?!*

Tomorrow, Thursday July 23^rd, would have been his 64^th birthday.

In just over 2 weeks, we will gather together – family, friends, business associates – to celebrate his life.

The “firsts” keep barreling at me – full body blows – I seem unable to be “prepared” for them, even when I see them coming (?)  This may well be the most jarring part of my new reality…  The 1^st hummingbird at our red honeysuckle vine was on April 11 – I wrote it down – as if I would need to be able to tell him…

There have been countless cards and electronic messages – each and every one arriving at the perfect time – such beautiful words of love and support, comfort and care.  I am mightily humbled and thoroughly amazed and ever-so-very-appreciative for every syllable.  I thank you all.

One set of hands has held me steady – re-centered me when I wandered off course – reached out, even when I thought I needed to be alone -- provided simple comforts in the worst of this journey.  My mother has been a rock.  I don’t know how I would have made it this far without her.  I love you, Momma!

Many whom I love and respect tell me that I am doing great.  I cling daily to this notion of what I am as ‘great’ – ever aware of the abysmal chaos lurking below.  If what I am doing is ‘great,’ may God help those having worser days!

I am forever changed.   

Onward & Upward.

 - penny