5

In many ways, it's hard to believe that you left us 5 years ago today.  Today is the 1st time this anniversary has fallen on the actual day -- that has made it harder, somehow...

I will never stop missing you -- nor will I ever cease to be grateful.  I am so very thankful for all that we had, for what and who you allowed me to be, and for all of the memories that we made.

I encountered this quotation this week.  I can think of no better words to mark this day:

“Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things break. And all things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you.”

― L.R. Knost

I remain amazed that love found us and sheltered us for the many years we had together.  I am likewise amazed that love has found me again.  I carry you with me today and every day ❤

Onward and upward!

4

A full moon, like a spotlight,

hangs over my shoulder

in the darkness of this early morning.

Just after daybreak,

two young rabbits chase one another

in circles around the back yard.

A loud blue jay

spends the early afternoon

swooping in and out of Shirley's tree.

Time is illusive.

You are with me always,

but ever more so on this day.

Onward & upward,

Words of wisdom for today:

Remembrance and reflection how allied.
What thin partitions divide sense from thought.

                                             ~ Alexander Pope

The 3rd Time Around

forever entwined

'new' life, and the one before...

you:  always with me

I have been called forth --

to come away from beneath

lonely trees of woe

laughter:  deep, rich, true

I can find no greater balm

to mend this bruised soul

my heart is lighter,

music and the sun are brighter,

greeting this me -- now

permanently changed,

moving forward, secure in 

knowing you'd be proud

Onward & upward,

Words of wisdom for today:

There is a comfort in the strength of love;
'Twill make a thing endurable, which else
Would overset the brain, or break the heart.

                                             ~ William Wordsworth

Seconds

often hard as firsts

equally jarring -- now we

proceed into thirds

'don't need reminding

that i feel out of place in

our home -- my own skin

so different now

the passage of time without

your voice...  eyes...  laughter...

there have been hard times

yet there are the better days

each bears its own gifts

i am still standing

obviously worse for wear

a little less shine

at last, reading more

it has shaken loose the words

nestled in my bones

missing you always

not just on the hardest days

good ones most of all

spring has come again

i will grow -- thrive -- with your last

words:  "I love you, too."

 

Onward & Upward,

"Musick has Charms to sooth a savage Breast,
To soften Rocks, or bend a knotted Oak.
I've read, that things inanimate have mov'd,
And, as with living Souls, have been inform'd,
By Magick Numbers and persuasive Sound.
...
Anselmo sleeps, and is at Peace; last Night
The silent Tomb receiv'd the good Old King;
He and his Sorrows now are safely lodg'd
Within its cold, but hospitable Bosom.

..."

- William Congreve, The Mourning Bride

One Year Ago, Today

...the world changed.  A brilliant mind was silenced.  A spark went out.  Friends lost a voice of comfort and an ever-ready helping hand.  A dog lost her loving master.  Our children lost their Father.  I lost my best friend, lover, and husband of almost 18 years...

Much has happened in this space between then and now.  I have learned a great deal about myself and others.  There has been a year of heart-breaking firsts, concluding with today -- the last 1st:  the 1st anniversary of this terrible loss. 

I am still standing.  Some days, I am a bit wobbly...  Some days, in spite of all the good that remains, I am inexplicably sad.  Some days, I can feel that immeasurable void that lurks just below the surface rise up and threaten to pull me in again.  Yet, against the backdrop of  loss, change, and other upheaval(s), I remain.  I am so incredibly grateful for all of the love, friendship, comfort, and support that my family and I have received in the past year.

It seems only right and proper to acknowledge all that I am thankful to Kevin for giving me.  A lifetime of gratitude for gifts that were always given so freely (more often than not, accompanied by a bright smile and the twinkling of those baby blue eyes).  His departure was just shy of his 64th birthday and our 18th anniversary.  While I still miss him every day, I am ever-so-thankful for the life that we shared, and all that came with it. 

Here then, in no particular order, are 63 Gratitudes for My Love:

1. The Love -- always the Love
2. Sharing & encouraging an inquisitive nature
3. Ready laugh
   *and the aforementioned smile & twinkle*
4. Patience
5. An affinity for acronyms
   *EGBAR, FIDO, MFSP, BFAD and many, many more*
6. Your brilliant mind 
7. The gifts of [y]our children
8. The ease and comfort of true friendship
9. An appreciation for good Bourbon
10. Generosity
11. Acceptance of my family
    *no small feat*
12. Taking an interest in my interests
13. Unwavering support
14. Endless encouragement
15. The Polish Electric Blanket 
16. Our odd shorthand
    *comprised of song lyrics, movie lines, and snippets of books we loved*
17. Our seamless tag-team cooking
18. Wisdom
19. Our home
20. NOT calling Animal Control the day Wito adopted us
21. Stolen moments
22. Understanding
23. Nearly always being the driver
24. Loving me
    *in spite of the mushroom years*
25. Tolerance
26. Living with grace
27. All the laughter
28. The gift of "Little Friday"
29. Good tools
30. Loving and spoiling Wito
    *and the rest of our menagerie over the years*
31. Forgiveness
32. Positivity
    *like nothing I have seen before or since*
33. Kindness
34. Living in partnership
35. Dreaming BIG
36. Being my haven from Life's storms
37. Adaptability
    *granted, one of the hardest lessons this Type A had to learn*
38. Talking with and listening to me
39. Manning the grill
    *which hasn't been lit since the day before you died*
40. Teaching me to fly
41. The gift of creative vision
42. Security
43. Time -- 20+ years (!)
44. Passion
45. Telling me you loved me (often)
46. Being a Gentleman
47. Embracing the bees
48. Our shared love of reading
49. Two decades of working together
50. Accommodating my interests
51. Speaking well/kindly of me to others (always)
52. My perpetual "Bride-hood"
53. A riding mower
    *and years of yard-work*
54. The Look
55. Being brave with food
    *in spite of the mushroom years (!)*
56. Respect 
57. Helping me find my voice
58. Making me a better person
59. The most awesome "Soundtrack of a Life" (ever)
60.  Dancing with me
    *in public as easily (if not as often) as in the kitchen*
61. It was quick
62. You were home
63. The Love -- ALL the Love

 Later days,

One Month, One Week, and One Day = One Year

...since time stood still, my life *and the world as I know it* changed forever, and a new journey began.

Funny story:  Valentine's Day, for the past 20 years, has been a veritable 'movable feast' -- I never knew if it was to be a soppy, gooey, flower- bedecked, love-fest OR a "this is nothing but a capitalistic, corporate manipulation" (a.k.a. BULLSH!T holiday).  Aside from keeping me on my toes, it added a certain flair to our already unconventional existence.  It was magical in its own way -- this 'not really knowing'...

Over the course of our 2 decades together, I received *in no particular order* for Valentine's Day:  kitchen ware (8 Qt. Revere Ware Stockpot + Anchor Hocking measuring cups + Revere Ware kettle); jewelry (matching "fancy-wear" Marcasite/Sterling bracelet & necklace); books, music, more than a wee bit of chocolate decadence, and/or Dinner at Home -- nothing to sneeze at, given that The Man was indeed a Grill Master, and dinner at home usually spoiled me for ordering anything out that I knew was better when we did it together (i.e. Steak, Lobster, Grilled Shrimp, Baked Potatoes *bacon-wrapped!*, BLTs, Chili, Pot Roast/Beef Stew, Fried Egg Sandwiches). 

Occasionally, there were flowers.  Sometimes, we ran away.  Virtually every year there was, at least, a card (unless it was a complete bucking of "the system" -- a.k.a. BULLSH!T holiday -- year).  At the risk of sounding completely shallow, I will admit that the 1st five or six years of this unconventionality was not always received with the most grace in the 'off years.'  However, like so many other aspects of our lives together, it became yet another of "our things."  I didn't really NEED an external reminder, a dedicated holiday, or any particular reason to express (or receive the expression of) our love, because it just WAS.

These days, I live in a state of constant wonderment at the Love that just WAS.  The transformational power of having known such a Love as this continues to sustain me.  I feel as though I walk this earth under a banner that proclaims "I have been LOVED -- Greatly."  It is this knowing, this acknowledgement of something so much greater than the bits & pieces that comprised its whole, that allows me to rise each day and face the world with the absolute surety that LOVE CONQUERS ALL -- it possesses, in a way that no other force bears, the ability to change, empower, revive, uplift, and refashion all that ails us!  To quote the inimitable Patti Digh, "When in doubt, love."

So...  As I brace myself for the 1 year anniversary of my most monumental loss, I pause on this day of hearts and flowers, chocolates and declarations, to remember My True Love -- my North Star -- my complete, trans-formative, all-encompassing LOVE.  While I pause, I hold each of those dear to me nearer to my heart -- hopeful that some form of love such as that with which I have been blessed makes its way into their hearts, lives, dreams, and daily realities.

 

I am so, SO very fortunate.  Yes, I continue to carry this "blank spot" -- this space which can never be filled with anything or anyone else -- AND, I am also rich beyond measure because of all those who have circled their wagons around me to protect, nurture, and support this wounded heart of mine in the absence of The One who loved me into existence.

Onward & upward,
*with Love & Happiness to all*

 Words of Wisdom for Today:

...by the numbers

Five days after my last blog post, my beloved husband died.  He was my partner in every sense of the word – life, love, family, work, adventure, happiness, and sorrow.  The common refrain during the days and weeks afterward, as the news was shared and shared again:  “What?!” 

 

Today was the 5 month anniversary of his totally unexpected departure from a very full life.  Most days, I still feel that all of this is just some horrible mistake – it seems much more like a mere 5 weeks than it could possibly be 5 months *What?!*

This past Sunday was the 17^th Sunday since his death as well as what would have been our 18^th wedding anniversary.  It would also have marked over 20 years of togetherness…  *What?!*

Tomorrow, Thursday July 23^rd, would have been his 64^th birthday.

In just over 2 weeks, we will gather together – family, friends, business associates – to celebrate his life.

The “firsts” keep barreling at me – full body blows – I seem unable to be “prepared” for them, even when I see them coming (?)  This may well be the most jarring part of my new reality…  The 1^st hummingbird at our red honeysuckle vine was on April 11 – I wrote it down – as if I would need to be able to tell him…

There have been countless cards and electronic messages – each and every one arriving at the perfect time – such beautiful words of love and support, comfort and care.  I am mightily humbled and thoroughly amazed and ever-so-very-appreciative for every syllable.  I thank you all.

One set of hands has held me steady – re-centered me when I wandered off course – reached out, even when I thought I needed to be alone -- provided simple comforts in the worst of this journey.  My mother has been a rock.  I don’t know how I would have made it this far without her.  I love you, Momma!

Many whom I love and respect tell me that I am doing great.  I cling daily to this notion of what I am as ‘great’ – ever aware of the abysmal chaos lurking below.  If what I am doing is ‘great,’ may God help those having worser days!

I am forever changed.   

Onward & Upward.

 - penny