...and "I" became "We"

I realize it has been a while since there was regular updating, here on Ye Olde Blog.  As noted in a previous post, sometimes the actual living requires all of the available energies…  Such is life.

I also realize that this blog has inadvertently become a verbal shrine to What Was.  In order for that to change, I need to get back in the groove – return to the reporting of  What Is, and What I Hope Will Be.  With that in mind, I am here to share a pretty big chunk of What Is…

As of April 28^th, in the year of our toilet paper scarcity, 2020, I became Penny L. Weaver (!)  I have alluded to some pretty significant changes in the minimal posting I have done here in the past 3 years.  A little over 2 years ago, I chanced to meet an amazing individual who thought me fairly amazing, too.  We learned and grew together – there were adventures and much sharing and the making of incredible memories.  About a year ago, there were whispers of a shared future.  There were things that we both wanted/needed to deal with first.  As John Lennon famously said:  “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”  This has never been more true than now…  Sometimes, love looks like sunshine through the storm clouds.

The Groom and His Bride

 After more than a month of “wait and see” with regard to lock-down, isolation, and uncertainty surrounding the stasis of COVID-19 living, Tim decided that “better safe than sorry” was a good idea.  Sometimes, love looks like not waiting until everything is perfect to proceed.

He has been increasingly anxious due to the fact that I am uninsured.  When he looked across the table at me, late Saturday night, and said “this is probably the single most un-romantic proposal ever,” I had to disagree.  What speaks more of love than wanting the best for those that you love?  Sometimes, love looks like taking care of those that mean the most to you.

The Kiss 

SO…  With the question asked and answered, we were faced with the additional questions of “How?” “Where?” and “What?”  Getting the first two answered revealed that we also needed to answer “Who?”

How does one get married in the middle of a virtual global lock-down?  Well, firstly one needs to obtain a License to do so.  In order to accomplish that feat, we had to make an appointment with the Register of Deeds.  Having made several calls, and listened to many recorded announcements, we were able to do just that.  On Monday, April 27^th at 1:00pm we obtained the official paperwork to proceed.

Old, New, Borrowed, and Blue
Ring on index finger made from 1897 quarter,
backside of new *albeit temporary* wedding band,
the earrings B was given as my Maid of Honor in '97,
and my skirt and Tim's shirt.

 Another phone call answered the question of where one gets married during the pandemic event of COVID-19:  the County Magistrate informed us that he was available for such business between the hours of 9:30 am and Noon.  He did request that we not come at 5 minutes before 12, as the paperwork and ceremony would take about a half an hour.  This was also the point at which we were informed that there was a necessary “Who?” beyond the primary players in this event.  We needed two “Whos,” actually – and they were easily obtained after we checked in with of our nearest and dearest.  M, Tim’s youngest and B, who was actually my Maid of Honor at my 1^st marriage were quickly on board to be our required “Whos.”

The Wedding Party:  Masked and Distanced

 That left only the question of “What?”  …which, ironically ended up being the most challenging part of this whirlwind affair.  After the acquisition of much knowledge Monday morning, I innocently asked “What are we doing about rings?  Do you want to wait until later to deal with that?”  We thought it would be simple enough to swing by the local SuperCenter outpost of Wally World after dealing with the paperwork on Monday afternoon…  Turns out:  not so much (!)  His thought was that we could grab some “temporary rings,’ and find what we really wanted later.  A sweet thought that turned into an epic adventure that ended up with us being the last two people in line to enter Jery’s Pawn & Gun at 10 minutes to 6 (a.k.a. closing time) on Monday evening.  *honestly, I couldn’t’ have made this up if I were trying to be comedic!?*

Fine Wedding Jewelry
brought to you by Jery's Pawn & Gun Shop

 Now… With all of the pieces assembled, we set forth on Tuesday morning to do the deed.  We convened at the Magistrate’s Office at just before 10:30 am, and proceeded to gather in the tiny vestibule that served as the containment of his kingdom.  Money changed hands, by way of the protective flap below the tinny speaker in the bulletproof window.  Paperwork was reviewed and signed by the stalwart Witnesses.  The ceremony took place and the Fine Jewelry was exchanged.  Then, it was done.  Congratulations were received, and we headed back to the Register of Deed’s office to file the paperwork.  Leaving minutes later with certified copies of our shiny new Wedding Certificate in hand.

The exchanging of the rings
with festive signage
in the vestibule of the Magistrate's Office

There you have it! Love in the time of Pandemic.  A story for the ages!  We are still giggling over the surreal nature of the double-time manner in which all of this was accomplished.  Sometimes, love looks like making the leap – before everything is “perfect.”  It has been quite some time since either of us has been this happy.  It has not escaped me that I am so very lucky, once again, to be held in the arms of a great love.  Today and ever more, my song is one of gratitude.

These beauties arrived
about an hour after we returned home
- many thanks to MDP and Stan!

Onward and upward!

Words of Wisdom for Today:

You were born together, and together you

shall be forevermore.

     You shall be together when the white

wings of death scatter your days.

     Ay, you shall be together even in the

silent memory of God.

     But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

     And let the winds of the heavens dance

between you.

                                    ~Kahlil Gibran

5

In many ways, it's hard to believe that you left us 5 years ago today.  Today is the 1st time this anniversary has fallen on the actual day -- that has made it harder, somehow...

I will never stop missing you -- nor will I ever cease to be grateful.  I am so very thankful for all that we had, for what and who you allowed me to be, and for all of the memories that we made.

I encountered this quotation this week.  I can think of no better words to mark this day:

“Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things break. And all things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you.”

― L.R. Knost

I remain amazed that love found us and sheltered us for the many years we had together.  I am likewise amazed that love has found me again.  I carry you with me today and every day ❤

Onward and upward!

4

A full moon, like a spotlight,

hangs over my shoulder

in the darkness of this early morning.

Just after daybreak,

two young rabbits chase one another

in circles around the back yard.

A loud blue jay

spends the early afternoon

swooping in and out of Shirley's tree.

Time is illusive.

You are with me always,

but ever more so on this day.

Onward & upward,

Words of wisdom for today:

Remembrance and reflection how allied.
What thin partitions divide sense from thought.

                                             ~ Alexander Pope

The 3rd Time Around

forever entwined

'new' life, and the one before...

you:  always with me

I have been called forth --

to come away from beneath

lonely trees of woe

laughter:  deep, rich, true

I can find no greater balm

to mend this bruised soul

my heart is lighter,

music and the sun are brighter,

greeting this me -- now

permanently changed,

moving forward, secure in 

knowing you'd be proud

Onward & upward,

Words of wisdom for today:

There is a comfort in the strength of love;
'Twill make a thing endurable, which else
Would overset the brain, or break the heart.

                                             ~ William Wordsworth

Photos and Poetry

Yesterday as I was blogging over at Your Creative Connection for my latest installment in our Thankful Thursday series, I promised to tell the back story of the photos I used in my post.  I also mentioned that I have a habit of finding words to accompany many of my photographic images -- it's a fun way to expand my love of poetry, and an interesting way to honor my own creative efforts.  I have included below the poems that capture, for me, the mood of these images.

The Man and I received this Bradford Pear as gift from my grandparents when his mother died.  It has been a source of endless enjoyment throughout the intervening 18 years *I didn't even know that these trees lasted that long (?)*.  It's an expressive barometer of the changing seasons:  resembling a snow laden tree in early Spring, when loaded with tiny white blossoms; lush and green throughout the Summer; ablaze in it's finery in late Autumn; and both majestic and bleak against Winter's sky.  

The photo on the left was taken late in the day on December 3rd.  I headed out to the back yard after being consistently distracted by this gorgeous tree all day   The one on the right was taken on Wednesday of this week (December 21st).  The day before had been grey and dreary, and I was very 'aware' of how bare it had become -- and so quickly!  I can only imagine that my awareness was heightened by the slow and steady rain that fell for the better part of the day.  They were both then 'arted up' by using the Prisma app.  It is currently my favorite tool for enhancing images captured with my cell phone (I recently upgraded to a Samsung Galaxy s7 from an s4).

How about you?  Do you have favorite poets you'd like to share?  ...perhaps favorite poems for certain times of year?  I'd love to check them out -- leave me a comment, and I'll see you here again soon!

Onward and upward,

Words of wisdom for today:

Autumn is a second spring
when every leaf is a flower.
                           ~ Albert Camus

Seconds

often hard as firsts

equally jarring -- now we

proceed into thirds

'don't need reminding

that i feel out of place in

our home -- my own skin

so different now

the passage of time without

your voice...  eyes...  laughter...

there have been hard times

yet there are the better days

each bears its own gifts

i am still standing

obviously worse for wear

a little less shine

at last, reading more

it has shaken loose the words

nestled in my bones

missing you always

not just on the hardest days

good ones most of all

spring has come again

i will grow -- thrive -- with your last

words:  "I love you, too."

 

Onward & Upward,

"Musick has Charms to sooth a savage Breast,
To soften Rocks, or bend a knotted Oak.
I've read, that things inanimate have mov'd,
And, as with living Souls, have been inform'd,
By Magick Numbers and persuasive Sound.
...
Anselmo sleeps, and is at Peace; last Night
The silent Tomb receiv'd the good Old King;
He and his Sorrows now are safely lodg'd
Within its cold, but hospitable Bosom.

..."

- William Congreve, The Mourning Bride

One Year Ago, Today

...the world changed.  A brilliant mind was silenced.  A spark went out.  Friends lost a voice of comfort and an ever-ready helping hand.  A dog lost her loving master.  Our children lost their Father.  I lost my best friend, lover, and husband of almost 18 years...

Much has happened in this space between then and now.  I have learned a great deal about myself and others.  There has been a year of heart-breaking firsts, concluding with today -- the last 1st:  the 1st anniversary of this terrible loss. 

I am still standing.  Some days, I am a bit wobbly...  Some days, in spite of all the good that remains, I am inexplicably sad.  Some days, I can feel that immeasurable void that lurks just below the surface rise up and threaten to pull me in again.  Yet, against the backdrop of  loss, change, and other upheaval(s), I remain.  I am so incredibly grateful for all of the love, friendship, comfort, and support that my family and I have received in the past year.

It seems only right and proper to acknowledge all that I am thankful to Kevin for giving me.  A lifetime of gratitude for gifts that were always given so freely (more often than not, accompanied by a bright smile and the twinkling of those baby blue eyes).  His departure was just shy of his 64th birthday and our 18th anniversary.  While I still miss him every day, I am ever-so-thankful for the life that we shared, and all that came with it. 

Here then, in no particular order, are 63 Gratitudes for My Love:

1. The Love -- always the Love
2. Sharing & encouraging an inquisitive nature
3. Ready laugh
   *and the aforementioned smile & twinkle*
4. Patience
5. An affinity for acronyms
   *EGBAR, FIDO, MFSP, BFAD and many, many more*
6. Your brilliant mind 
7. The gifts of [y]our children
8. The ease and comfort of true friendship
9. An appreciation for good Bourbon
10. Generosity
11. Acceptance of my family
    *no small feat*
12. Taking an interest in my interests
13. Unwavering support
14. Endless encouragement
15. The Polish Electric Blanket 
16. Our odd shorthand
    *comprised of song lyrics, movie lines, and snippets of books we loved*
17. Our seamless tag-team cooking
18. Wisdom
19. Our home
20. NOT calling Animal Control the day Wito adopted us
21. Stolen moments
22. Understanding
23. Nearly always being the driver
24. Loving me
    *in spite of the mushroom years*
25. Tolerance
26. Living with grace
27. All the laughter
28. The gift of "Little Friday"
29. Good tools
30. Loving and spoiling Wito
    *and the rest of our menagerie over the years*
31. Forgiveness
32. Positivity
    *like nothing I have seen before or since*
33. Kindness
34. Living in partnership
35. Dreaming BIG
36. Being my haven from Life's storms
37. Adaptability
    *granted, one of the hardest lessons this Type A had to learn*
38. Talking with and listening to me
39. Manning the grill
    *which hasn't been lit since the day before you died*
40. Teaching me to fly
41. The gift of creative vision
42. Security
43. Time -- 20+ years (!)
44. Passion
45. Telling me you loved me (often)
46. Being a Gentleman
47. Embracing the bees
48. Our shared love of reading
49. Two decades of working together
50. Accommodating my interests
51. Speaking well/kindly of me to others (always)
52. My perpetual "Bride-hood"
53. A riding mower
    *and years of yard-work*
54. The Look
55. Being brave with food
    *in spite of the mushroom years (!)*
56. Respect 
57. Helping me find my voice
58. Making me a better person
59. The most awesome "Soundtrack of a Life" (ever)
60.  Dancing with me
    *in public as easily (if not as often) as in the kitchen*
61. It was quick
62. You were home
63. The Love -- ALL the Love

 Later days,

One Month, One Week, and One Day = One Year

...since time stood still, my life *and the world as I know it* changed forever, and a new journey began.

Funny story:  Valentine's Day, for the past 20 years, has been a veritable 'movable feast' -- I never knew if it was to be a soppy, gooey, flower- bedecked, love-fest OR a "this is nothing but a capitalistic, corporate manipulation" (a.k.a. BULLSH!T holiday).  Aside from keeping me on my toes, it added a certain flair to our already unconventional existence.  It was magical in its own way -- this 'not really knowing'...

Over the course of our 2 decades together, I received *in no particular order* for Valentine's Day:  kitchen ware (8 Qt. Revere Ware Stockpot + Anchor Hocking measuring cups + Revere Ware kettle); jewelry (matching "fancy-wear" Marcasite/Sterling bracelet & necklace); books, music, more than a wee bit of chocolate decadence, and/or Dinner at Home -- nothing to sneeze at, given that The Man was indeed a Grill Master, and dinner at home usually spoiled me for ordering anything out that I knew was better when we did it together (i.e. Steak, Lobster, Grilled Shrimp, Baked Potatoes *bacon-wrapped!*, BLTs, Chili, Pot Roast/Beef Stew, Fried Egg Sandwiches). 

Occasionally, there were flowers.  Sometimes, we ran away.  Virtually every year there was, at least, a card (unless it was a complete bucking of "the system" -- a.k.a. BULLSH!T holiday -- year).  At the risk of sounding completely shallow, I will admit that the 1st five or six years of this unconventionality was not always received with the most grace in the 'off years.'  However, like so many other aspects of our lives together, it became yet another of "our things."  I didn't really NEED an external reminder, a dedicated holiday, or any particular reason to express (or receive the expression of) our love, because it just WAS.

These days, I live in a state of constant wonderment at the Love that just WAS.  The transformational power of having known such a Love as this continues to sustain me.  I feel as though I walk this earth under a banner that proclaims "I have been LOVED -- Greatly."  It is this knowing, this acknowledgement of something so much greater than the bits & pieces that comprised its whole, that allows me to rise each day and face the world with the absolute surety that LOVE CONQUERS ALL -- it possesses, in a way that no other force bears, the ability to change, empower, revive, uplift, and refashion all that ails us!  To quote the inimitable Patti Digh, "When in doubt, love."

So...  As I brace myself for the 1 year anniversary of my most monumental loss, I pause on this day of hearts and flowers, chocolates and declarations, to remember My True Love -- my North Star -- my complete, trans-formative, all-encompassing LOVE.  While I pause, I hold each of those dear to me nearer to my heart -- hopeful that some form of love such as that with which I have been blessed makes its way into their hearts, lives, dreams, and daily realities.

 

I am so, SO very fortunate.  Yes, I continue to carry this "blank spot" -- this space which can never be filled with anything or anyone else -- AND, I am also rich beyond measure because of all those who have circled their wagons around me to protect, nurture, and support this wounded heart of mine in the absence of The One who loved me into existence.

Onward & upward,
*with Love & Happiness to all*

 Words of Wisdom for Today:

About The Word...

Did you have "a Word" for the year, last year?  I did -- last year was the 2nd time I participated actively in this practice.  I have written (and written, and written) about my disdain for the notion of Resolution(s) for the new year. I feel that, alternately, having a set Word (or intention) does indeed have an impact.  My word was "Question" and it provided ample opportunity to up my mindfulness quotient!

...as my bracelet appears to be in hiding,
this piece (also by Amy Smith) is a perfect illustration!

I think it helps *if like me, you have not done this regularly* to have extra reinforcement at the beginning.  For me, it came in the form of a customized piece of jewelry from fellow artist and friend Amy Smith.  For the first portion of last year, I wore my Word almost daily.  It was always near by or directly in my line of sight.  I was reminded *beautifully...  colorfully...  artfully...* of this desire, and I feel that it helped the notion 'take hold.'
  

Painted & Stitched
Canvas Cuff by Amy Smith

At times, to Question was simple and straightforward:  "WHY!?"  alternately, "Why NOT?"  However, when applied most rightfully, in more difficult situations (i.e. moments of frustration, anger, sadness, regret, etc.) it proved an effective tool in dealing with less pleasant matters in the moment.  It served as a virtual "Pause" button, inviting me to step back, for just a minute, and look more closely at the "Why... ?" of the things that were itching my mind or pulling on my heart.  Which, in turn, allowed me to quite regularly lay down pointless burdens before they taxed my finite resources.  Unlike the noble Oyster, we mere mortals do not produce fine treasures when we fester over the grains of sand that sometimes rub us the wrong way.  We produce irritated bellies and unquiet minds.  We sometimes produce a snapping, snarling presence that can appear to be overreacting to the situation at hand.  Hardly moments to treasure, eh?

Having embraced the notion/intent of Question for a year, I feel that I have come away more aware of things that can be troublesome for me.  I feel lighter in spirit for having taken the time to question my responses and answer for them honestly, even if I answer to no one but myself.  I would like to think that there has also been a benefit to others of my Questioning -- that I have emerged more fully present in the various roles I fulfill from day to day.  Perhaps this is so, or maybe this is yet to be seen...

This year, my word/intention is to Observe.  On first glance, this may seem a passive intention.  That is not my take on it, though...  In the spirit of mindfulness, I desire to Observe more fully -- to actively receive more random moments of beauty and tenderness -- to note *and to propagate* more of that which fosters joy and bliss, and less of that which weighs the mind with useless worry -- to see opportunities as they present themselves, and scoop them up like the gifts that they are rather than to relegate them to the dustbin of "one day..." -- to mindfully revel in the daily blessings that are heaped upon me, and take not for granted that I bear a responsibility to nurture and maintain them.
  

observe \əb-ˈzərv\
: to watch and sometimes also listen to
(someone or something) carefully
: to see and notice (someone or something)
: to make a comment about something you notice

What about you?  Do you have a Word for the year?  Is this a practice that you find beneficial, or is there something else that works for you?  I'd love to hear about it!  Leave me a comment, and we can continue the discussion.  There's always this:

Onward & Upward!

Words of wisdom for today:

"Be glad today.  Tomorrow may bring tears.
Be brave today.  The darkest night will pass.
And golden rays will usher in the dawn."

                                      - Sarah Knowles Bolton

Image Credits:
   Clearer Focus:  Taken w/ Samsung Galaxy S4, standard camera app
   Painted & Stitched Canvas Cuff:  Amy Smith Designs  
   Bespectacled & Observe:  The Graphics Fairy