49

Forty two years ago, I received a book for my birthday:  Now You Are Seven.  I still have it *no one who knows me can even pretend to be surprised by this* (!)  It is a lovely anthology of pieces selected for the young reader -- a mixture of cultural folklore, short fiction, arts & crafts projects, and poetry accompanied by vivid illustrations.  To this day, I can (and do) fondly recall a line from a poem about Bert (an amorous kangaroo, in a zoo, in love with Betsy Lou, who happened to be a kangaroo too):  "So they lived in one cage/till a very old age/and died at ninety two."  Why this is the line that has managed to stay with me for 42 years, I cannot say (especially since this book was also my introduction to Tennyson & Longfellow) -- but, there you have it. 

TA-DA!
Home of Bert and Betsy Lou

Recently, I mentioned this book to my mom (the giver of this formational tome) -- wondering aloud if it were part of a series.  She did not recall seeing any for other ages at the time. I have never seen another of this particular book, or any others like it.  But it got me to thinking:  Why not?  Wouldn't it be neat if there were an ongoing series of books designed to provide insight/comfort/encouragement as we cross the threshold into each new year and all that it holds? 

SO...  As a lover and collector of words that speak to me, I have merged words with images to create a collection to mark the occasion of turning 49.  Actually, it may be more accurate to say that these are verbal talismans to carry into my 50th year.  Thoughts, inspirations, and reminders to carry with me on the Journey.  This was a great deal of fun, although I must admit:  it took way longer to do than I imagined (!)  Reminding me, yet again, of my mother's supreme wisdom:  "It always takes longer than you think!"  

Rope bridge photo*
Paper Factory Hotel, Long Island City, NY

Book tower and cash register detail
Paper Factory Hotel, Long Island City, NY

Suitcases and cash register detail
Paper Factory Hotel, Long Island City, NY

Bedroom window - Paper Factory Hotel, Long Island City, NY
Zodiac Mosaic - Subway Station, NYC

Stairwell window and painted man
Paper Factory Hotel, Long Island City, NY

I have never been one to worry and fret over birthdays...  I see much truth in the old saw:  "Age is just a number."  Twenty + years spent in the company of an incredible human who lived large by this adage only served to galvanize that truth, for me.  I understand the 'why' behind certain ages being of some significance:  16 and driving; 18 and voting; 21 and drinking; etc., etc...  I suppose I understand marking the milestones of entering a new decade, too (?)  Having said all of that, I have a tendency to celebrate the odd; for example, prior to our marriage, I threw The Man a surprise party for his 45th *hey, any excuse for a good party - right?*  But I have never approached a birthday with any sense of dread.  I have several friends who bemoan the pending birthday, and it always leaves me scratching my head...  Another birthday?  WINNING!  I mean aging isn't always pretty, but it beats the hell out of the alternative!

Memorial Tree - Arlington Cemetery

I must acknowledge that I have entered my latest year from an entirely new angle.  After two years that contained profound personal and professional losses, I finally feel like I have reclaimed some sort of equilibrium.  I am eternally grateful for the folks who stuck it out with me, and remain a part of my life.  In truth, there are still dark, difficult days -- but these are no longer the bulk of the days...  I feel stronger in mind, body, and spirit than I have in quite some time.  I am thrilled to have a renewed sense of discovery and optimism!  

Be prepared, gentle reader!  I will be exercising #50for50 well and often in the coming year!  I look forward to having loads of fun, and I hope you will join me!

The Brother in Little Italy, NYC

Onward & upward!

Since todays post is loaded with Words of Wisdom, I am leaving you with a song. *nay, an anthem!*  I first fell in love with this tune when I discovered the album Planet Waves in my teens.  In the intervening years, I have heard covers from a variety of artists:  Johnny Cash, Jerry Garcia Band,  The Pretenders, and Pearl Jam.  The version that I am sharing here is *hands down* my favorite, after the original.  The Soweto Gospel Choir brings a power to this song that I have not felt in other renditions -- it gives me chills every time!  It is offered here as both a wish and a blessing!  

*Rope Bridge Photo -- This is actually a photo of a photo -- I would gladly credit the original photographer, had there been a sign (?)  This print was HUGE -- I encountered it turning a corner on the floor below where I was staying, and was awestruck.  It felt like you could just keep walking and go right on over that bridge (!)

One Year Ago, Today

...the world changed.  A brilliant mind was silenced.  A spark went out.  Friends lost a voice of comfort and an ever-ready helping hand.  A dog lost her loving master.  Our children lost their Father.  I lost my best friend, lover, and husband of almost 18 years...

Much has happened in this space between then and now.  I have learned a great deal about myself and others.  There has been a year of heart-breaking firsts, concluding with today -- the last 1st:  the 1st anniversary of this terrible loss. 

I am still standing.  Some days, I am a bit wobbly...  Some days, in spite of all the good that remains, I am inexplicably sad.  Some days, I can feel that immeasurable void that lurks just below the surface rise up and threaten to pull me in again.  Yet, against the backdrop of  loss, change, and other upheaval(s), I remain.  I am so incredibly grateful for all of the love, friendship, comfort, and support that my family and I have received in the past year.

It seems only right and proper to acknowledge all that I am thankful to Kevin for giving me.  A lifetime of gratitude for gifts that were always given so freely (more often than not, accompanied by a bright smile and the twinkling of those baby blue eyes).  His departure was just shy of his 64th birthday and our 18th anniversary.  While I still miss him every day, I am ever-so-thankful for the life that we shared, and all that came with it. 

Here then, in no particular order, are 63 Gratitudes for My Love:

1. The Love -- always the Love
2. Sharing & encouraging an inquisitive nature
3. Ready laugh
   *and the aforementioned smile & twinkle*
4. Patience
5. An affinity for acronyms
   *EGBAR, FIDO, MFSP, BFAD and many, many more*
6. Your brilliant mind 
7. The gifts of [y]our children
8. The ease and comfort of true friendship
9. An appreciation for good Bourbon
10. Generosity
11. Acceptance of my family
    *no small feat*
12. Taking an interest in my interests
13. Unwavering support
14. Endless encouragement
15. The Polish Electric Blanket 
16. Our odd shorthand
    *comprised of song lyrics, movie lines, and snippets of books we loved*
17. Our seamless tag-team cooking
18. Wisdom
19. Our home
20. NOT calling Animal Control the day Wito adopted us
21. Stolen moments
22. Understanding
23. Nearly always being the driver
24. Loving me
    *in spite of the mushroom years*
25. Tolerance
26. Living with grace
27. All the laughter
28. The gift of "Little Friday"
29. Good tools
30. Loving and spoiling Wito
    *and the rest of our menagerie over the years*
31. Forgiveness
32. Positivity
    *like nothing I have seen before or since*
33. Kindness
34. Living in partnership
35. Dreaming BIG
36. Being my haven from Life's storms
37. Adaptability
    *granted, one of the hardest lessons this Type A had to learn*
38. Talking with and listening to me
39. Manning the grill
    *which hasn't been lit since the day before you died*
40. Teaching me to fly
41. The gift of creative vision
42. Security
43. Time -- 20+ years (!)
44. Passion
45. Telling me you loved me (often)
46. Being a Gentleman
47. Embracing the bees
48. Our shared love of reading
49. Two decades of working together
50. Accommodating my interests
51. Speaking well/kindly of me to others (always)
52. My perpetual "Bride-hood"
53. A riding mower
    *and years of yard-work*
54. The Look
55. Being brave with food
    *in spite of the mushroom years (!)*
56. Respect 
57. Helping me find my voice
58. Making me a better person
59. The most awesome "Soundtrack of a Life" (ever)
60.  Dancing with me
    *in public as easily (if not as often) as in the kitchen*
61. It was quick
62. You were home
63. The Love -- ALL the Love

 Later days,

One Month, One Week, and One Day = One Year

...since time stood still, my life *and the world as I know it* changed forever, and a new journey began.

Funny story:  Valentine's Day, for the past 20 years, has been a veritable 'movable feast' -- I never knew if it was to be a soppy, gooey, flower- bedecked, love-fest OR a "this is nothing but a capitalistic, corporate manipulation" (a.k.a. BULLSH!T holiday).  Aside from keeping me on my toes, it added a certain flair to our already unconventional existence.  It was magical in its own way -- this 'not really knowing'...

Over the course of our 2 decades together, I received *in no particular order* for Valentine's Day:  kitchen ware (8 Qt. Revere Ware Stockpot + Anchor Hocking measuring cups + Revere Ware kettle); jewelry (matching "fancy-wear" Marcasite/Sterling bracelet & necklace); books, music, more than a wee bit of chocolate decadence, and/or Dinner at Home -- nothing to sneeze at, given that The Man was indeed a Grill Master, and dinner at home usually spoiled me for ordering anything out that I knew was better when we did it together (i.e. Steak, Lobster, Grilled Shrimp, Baked Potatoes *bacon-wrapped!*, BLTs, Chili, Pot Roast/Beef Stew, Fried Egg Sandwiches). 

Occasionally, there were flowers.  Sometimes, we ran away.  Virtually every year there was, at least, a card (unless it was a complete bucking of "the system" -- a.k.a. BULLSH!T holiday -- year).  At the risk of sounding completely shallow, I will admit that the 1st five or six years of this unconventionality was not always received with the most grace in the 'off years.'  However, like so many other aspects of our lives together, it became yet another of "our things."  I didn't really NEED an external reminder, a dedicated holiday, or any particular reason to express (or receive the expression of) our love, because it just WAS.

These days, I live in a state of constant wonderment at the Love that just WAS.  The transformational power of having known such a Love as this continues to sustain me.  I feel as though I walk this earth under a banner that proclaims "I have been LOVED -- Greatly."  It is this knowing, this acknowledgement of something so much greater than the bits & pieces that comprised its whole, that allows me to rise each day and face the world with the absolute surety that LOVE CONQUERS ALL -- it possesses, in a way that no other force bears, the ability to change, empower, revive, uplift, and refashion all that ails us!  To quote the inimitable Patti Digh, "When in doubt, love."

So...  As I brace myself for the 1 year anniversary of my most monumental loss, I pause on this day of hearts and flowers, chocolates and declarations, to remember My True Love -- my North Star -- my complete, trans-formative, all-encompassing LOVE.  While I pause, I hold each of those dear to me nearer to my heart -- hopeful that some form of love such as that with which I have been blessed makes its way into their hearts, lives, dreams, and daily realities.

 

I am so, SO very fortunate.  Yes, I continue to carry this "blank spot" -- this space which can never be filled with anything or anyone else -- AND, I am also rich beyond measure because of all those who have circled their wagons around me to protect, nurture, and support this wounded heart of mine in the absence of The One who loved me into existence.

Onward & upward,
*with Love & Happiness to all*

 Words of Wisdom for Today:

...and Staying Uplugged

*whew!*  This week has been a whirlwind of catching up, figuring out, and planning for what comes next!  I have discovered a few things along the way...  I will have to share those with you a bit later, as I am off -- on the road, again!  This weekend holds a much anticipated (and looong overdue) visit with The Girl!

...but I encountered a poem this morning that yearned to be shared:

     The dignity of desire

      Dive into the thin air of hope
      long for it
      like a tree's roots dig
      for drink       don't pretend
      you don't need it
      you need it
      but don't expect it to look
      like the movie that plays
      on the screen
      of your skull
      your job is not to find it
      only to let yourself
      be found
      to find strength
      in begging
      for love.
                  -Samantha Reynolds, Bentlily.com 

I love that as I make my way along this Journey there are signposts from those who have gone before...  Just last night, as I spoke to my Auntie V to wish her a happy birthday (71 -- how did THAT happen!?), we talked about how the older one gets the faster the time seems to pass.  Are you taking time to look for the 'signposts'?  Are you dragging your heels at every opportunity to make each little happiness, each gift of beauty/love/grace last as long as possible?  Savor!  Treasure!  Hold tight!  There is incredible goodness in this world -- our only task is to be as 'open' to it as we are to all the horrific news that churns on and on and on.

Here is a sampling of some goodness that gave me hope, this week:  hope for our youth (we need more news of 'good guys' like these!),  hope for greater kindness (we need more news of bravery/kindness like this!), and hope for us all (because love IS for everyone!).

SO...  What has given you hope, this week?  Have you experienced something that made you feel more hopeful, or reaffirmed your own vision?  Share it with me!  In this world that has become so connected to the next news cycle, what little thing(s) bring its beauty and magic back to you?

I'd love to hear what the signposts look like on your part of the trail!

Onward & Upward!
 - pla

Words of wisdom for today:

"Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good.."

                                      - as sung by Nina Simone

p.s. - I'll be back with all of the aforementioned 'shareable goods' in the next week or so...  For right now, "I'm flyin' high.  ...and I'm feelin' good."